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| I've made a lot of promises.
I'm gonna make good, now.
Nothing else matters.
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| deep down,
part of me doesn't want to come back.
deep down we know just how terrible people are.
i don't open up like this.
this is big.
bigger than you can understand.
this can change everything.
if this is real...
i might actually start believing in people again.
if it's not...
and i'm crushed...
i'm gonna kill a lot of people.
starting with the one hiding behind a guise.
you don't wear a mask in that line of work unless you've something to hide.
more than half of me believes this tower's gonna tip.
i just can't stop thinking about all the ways i'd like to rip his heart out.
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| it'll be impossible to paint a picture of how i'm feeling with words.
i just don't have enough to illustrate the whole spectrum of emotion.
or lack thereof.
i keep thinking about how i don't really want to come back to any of this.
how broken and boring and bland everything is on this side.
everything.
i don't want to die there.
i don't want to be a part of this thing anymore either.
it's weak.
it's stupid.
it's run by college educated idiots who are no better than children groping in the dark.
they have no idea what they're doing.
i don't know what romantic ideas they've had their heads filled with--
but the simple truth of our situation is consistently ignored.
i want what i've always wanted.
to be their good little killer.
to see what i'm up against,
and be granted the freedom to engage my targets on my terms.
intelligent terms.
winning terms.
but day after day they throw us all away.
a country that can't commit to the reality of the situation
throwing us into a country that none of us give a fuck about.
in all of this,
i'm filled with this tremendous sense of liberation.
as if i can get away with anything.
if they can't understand that a lack of commitment will kill us-
that they're signing off on our death sentence,
then why should any of us--
the willing few--
lay ourselves down for them?
fuck that.
you can go to hell.
better yet--
i come back--
i'll fucking send you there myself.
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| so close i can taste it.
for the first time in a long time,
i'm not really sure.
i'm not really sure i'll make it back from this.
and if i do,
i'm not so sure i'll want to.
i keep kidding myself that i'll walk away.
that their idiocy is just too much.
but i won't.
let's be real.
this is my addiction.
and when i get this taste?
i'm only going to want more.
more of it,
and the purest i can find.
good little junkie i am.
loose ends.
that's what i can't stop thinking.
loose ends.
i've got so goddman many of 'em.
not enough time to tie any off now.
hell--
if i had the time,
i don't think i'd bother.
just do what i always do.
walk away.
maybe someday this will come back around.
ka-
is a wheel.
i've got about a week left.
i'll see you all in hell.
| | |
| i don't have time to just stop and think these days.
this?
the devil is in the details.
i'm too close to this.
want it too bad to be honest with myself.
but there's still that little wolf faced demon deep down...
the devil is in the details.
it could have been anything.
why is that the first thing that comes to mind?
what a terrible thought.
if that were true-
then all of this would be built on lies.
smiles,
bright eyes,
and lies.
what's new?
i've been at this too long to underestimate the
dark potential of the human spirit.
and what am i?
i'm that controlled type of dangerous.
that smart kind of animal.
a beast who understands the consequences of it all.
the best of both worlds in this situation.
dangerous--
but safe.
let's face it though.
i'm not really cut out for this.
i'm not really the pack animal type.
well.
fuck.
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